One of my favorite wall papers.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Friday, August 05, 2005
Water ride
At an amusement park, people were standing in line
at the food court. The first guy in line gave his
order, then reached in his pocket for the money to
pay the cashier. The cashier noticed the money he
gave her was wet and she made a face.
"Oh, I was just on a water ride" the man said.
The cashier laughed and took the next order.
The next guy in line reached in his pocket and
gave her the money. Again it was soaking wet.
"I just got off the water ride", he told her.
She nodded and took the next order.
The guy reached in his pocket and gave her another
handful of soaking wet bills.
"Just get off the water ride?" the cashier asked.
"No." the man said puzzled, "But I was just on the
scariest roller coaster ever!"
at the food court. The first guy in line gave his
order, then reached in his pocket for the money to
pay the cashier. The cashier noticed the money he
gave her was wet and she made a face.
"Oh, I was just on a water ride" the man said.
The cashier laughed and took the next order.
The next guy in line reached in his pocket and
gave her the money. Again it was soaking wet.
"I just got off the water ride", he told her.
She nodded and took the next order.
The guy reached in his pocket and gave her another
handful of soaking wet bills.
"Just get off the water ride?" the cashier asked.
"No." the man said puzzled, "But I was just on the
scariest roller coaster ever!"
Cool joke
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "Honey, It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "Honey, It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Believe it or not.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All Polar bears are left-handed.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Starfish haven't got brains.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All Polar bears are left-handed.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Starfish haven't got brains.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.
Dark In Here !!!
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her
husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The
boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a football ."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
Man: "What????"
Boy: "I think I'm going to sneeze"
Man: "Alright!! - I'll buy it"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a football jersey"
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, " Put your jersey on
Let's go outside and play football .
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her
husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The
boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a football ."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
Man: "What????"
Boy: "I think I'm going to sneeze"
Man: "Alright!! - I'll buy it"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a football jersey"
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, " Put your jersey on
Let's go outside and play football .
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"
Presence of Mind
** Presence of mind **
A boy worked in the produce section of the supermarket. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was persistent. The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce."
As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the deal. Later the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it.You think on your feet,and we like that around here.Where are you from,son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just prostitutes and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota," the manager said.
The boy replied, "Really!? What team did she play for?"
A boy worked in the produce section of the supermarket. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was persistent. The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce."
As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the deal. Later the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it.You think on your feet,and we like that around here.Where are you from,son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just prostitutes and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota," the manager said.
The boy replied, "Really!? What team did she play for?"
Who Want to Be a Millionaire
A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
Another Joke (Rated A)
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
A Sardarji Joke.
A Sardarji and his wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for 350. The Sardarji explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the Sardarji, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
But we didn't use them", the Sardarji complains.
Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
But we didn't go to any of those shows," sardarji complains again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the sardarji replies "But we didn't use it". The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the Sardarji finally gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the sardarji, "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the Sardarji replies, "she was here, and you could have...."
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for 350. The Sardarji explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the Sardarji, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
But we didn't use them", the Sardarji complains.
Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
But we didn't go to any of those shows," sardarji complains again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the sardarji replies "But we didn't use it". The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the Sardarji finally gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the sardarji, "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the Sardarji replies, "she was here, and you could have...."
Real good joke. ( Rated A )
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this
Headline PREACHER'S *** SHOWS PROMISE
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The paper read: PREACHER'S *** OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ***
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.00
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day!
Headline PREACHER'S *** SHOWS PROMISE
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The paper read: PREACHER'S *** OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ***
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.00
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day!
WIFE 1.0 and GF 7.0
Problems when using WIFE 1.0
To: Technical Support
Dear Sir,
Last year I upgraded my system from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began creating problems within the system processing and that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
Wife 1.0, itself installs it into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 2.3, Girlfriend 3.2 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the entire system whenever selected
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while running my other favorite applications. Whichever module or software I enter, only Wife 1.0 seems to run and nothing else.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall from Wife 1.0 to Girlfriend 7.0 does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!
Thanks,
Rajeev
Reply
To: Rajeev
Dear Rajeev,
This is a very common problem men users of the Wife 1.0 software complain about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception of the software.
Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.
Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed!!
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Worries Invited For Ever (Wife 1.0)".
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding general partnership faults (GPFs).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action to solve this major IT problem of yours will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.
In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend you to install the latest gift software like Flowers 2.1, Necklaces 3.2, and Chocolates 5.0.
Note: Do not under any circumstances, install Secretary with Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application; in fact it is a deadly virus for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
regards,
Amit.
To: Technical Support
Dear Sir,
Last year I upgraded my system from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began creating problems within the system processing and that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
Wife 1.0, itself installs it into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 2.3, Girlfriend 3.2 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the entire system whenever selected
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while running my other favorite applications. Whichever module or software I enter, only Wife 1.0 seems to run and nothing else.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall from Wife 1.0 to Girlfriend 7.0 does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!
Thanks,
Rajeev
Reply
To: Rajeev
Dear Rajeev,
This is a very common problem men users of the Wife 1.0 software complain about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception of the software.
Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.
Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed!!
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Worries Invited For Ever (Wife 1.0)".
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding general partnership faults (GPFs).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action to solve this major IT problem of yours will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.
In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend you to install the latest gift software like Flowers 2.1, Necklaces 3.2, and Chocolates 5.0.
Note: Do not under any circumstances, install Secretary with Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application; in fact it is a deadly virus for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
regards,
Amit.
Boss and worker.
In Memory of all those who love their boss !
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to Speak to his boss.
By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD
YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP
CALLING?"
"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to Speak to his boss.
By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD
YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP
CALLING?"
"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
Terrific Confusion.
Terrific Confusion
Enjoy this terrific confusion. Conversation of William Knott and
Mr Watt.
Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone.
"Watt."
"What is your name, please?"
"Watt's my name."
"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James
Brown?"
"No, this is Knott."
"Please tell me your name."
"Will Knott."
YOU LEFT THE TALKERS AT A POINT WHERE THEY WERE
TOTALLY CONFUSED, READ THE REST OF WHAT HAPPENED...
Why not?
Huh? What do you mean why not?
Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?
But I told you my name!
Didn't you say you will not?
Not not, knott, Will Knott!
That's what I mean.
So you know my name.
Of course not!
Good. So now, what is yours?
Watt. Yours?
Your name!
Watt's my name.
How the hell do I know? I am asking you!
Look I have been very patient and I have told you
my name and you have not even told me yours yet. You
have been patient, what about me?
I have told you my name so many times and it is you
who have not told me yours yet.
Of course not!
See, you even know my name!
Of course not!
Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?
Because I don't.
[Pause]
What is your name?
See, you know my name!
Of course not!
Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?
To find out your name!
But you already know it!
What?
See, and you know mine!
Of course not!
Exactly!
NOW THEY ARE AT A POINT WHERE BOTH THINK THE OTHER
KNOWS THEIR NAME,BUT THEY THEMSELVES DON'T KNOW THE OTHER'S
NAME.
Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name
is, what will be your answer?
Watt's my name.
No, no, give me only one word.
Watt
Your name!
Right!
[Pause before it hits him]
Oh, Wright!
Yeah!
So why didn't you say it before?
I told you so many times!
You never said Wright before
Of course I did.
Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?
I do not.
Well, there you go, now we know each other's name.
I do not!
Good!
[Pause before it hits him]
Oh, Guud!
Good.
No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?
No, it's Knott!
Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Good.
Yes Wright.
NOW THEY BOTH THINK THEY KNOW EACH OTHER'S NAME AS WELL!
Enjoy this terrific confusion. Conversation of William Knott and
Mr Watt.
Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone.
"Watt."
"What is your name, please?"
"Watt's my name."
"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James
Brown?"
"No, this is Knott."
"Please tell me your name."
"Will Knott."
YOU LEFT THE TALKERS AT A POINT WHERE THEY WERE
TOTALLY CONFUSED, READ THE REST OF WHAT HAPPENED...
Why not?
Huh? What do you mean why not?
Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?
But I told you my name!
Didn't you say you will not?
Not not, knott, Will Knott!
That's what I mean.
So you know my name.
Of course not!
Good. So now, what is yours?
Watt. Yours?
Your name!
Watt's my name.
How the hell do I know? I am asking you!
Look I have been very patient and I have told you
my name and you have not even told me yours yet. You
have been patient, what about me?
I have told you my name so many times and it is you
who have not told me yours yet.
Of course not!
See, you even know my name!
Of course not!
Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?
Because I don't.
[Pause]
What is your name?
See, you know my name!
Of course not!
Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?
To find out your name!
But you already know it!
What?
See, and you know mine!
Of course not!
Exactly!
NOW THEY ARE AT A POINT WHERE BOTH THINK THE OTHER
KNOWS THEIR NAME,BUT THEY THEMSELVES DON'T KNOW THE OTHER'S
NAME.
Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name
is, what will be your answer?
Watt's my name.
No, no, give me only one word.
Watt
Your name!
Right!
[Pause before it hits him]
Oh, Wright!
Yeah!
So why didn't you say it before?
I told you so many times!
You never said Wright before
Of course I did.
Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?
I do not.
Well, there you go, now we know each other's name.
I do not!
Good!
[Pause before it hits him]
Oh, Guud!
Good.
No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?
No, it's Knott!
Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Good.
Yes Wright.
NOW THEY BOTH THINK THEY KNOW EACH OTHER'S NAME AS WELL!
Human Resource!!!!
Human Resource
A Human Resource Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, though, it seems we have a problem. You see,strangely enough, we never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in", said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.They played an excellent round of golf and at night they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven", he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand,"said the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course anda country club, and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."
A Human Resource Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, though, it seems we have a problem. You see,strangely enough, we never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in", said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.They played an excellent round of golf and at night they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven", he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand,"said the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course anda country club, and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."
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